Baby Cries With One Grandpa but Not the Other
My Son Cries Whenever Grandfather Comes Over
Updated on July 08, 2008
K.C. asks from Rochester, MN
32 answers
My eight-calendar month-old son cries whenever he sees Granddaddy. He loves Grandma--he'due south just fine being held by her or sitting in her lap, and he does well if I leave him with her while I run errands, etc. He sees Grandma most once a week. But having both of my parents over is very stressful for everyone. My son cries upon seeing my dad, cries if he'due south held by my dad, cries if he's left lone with my dad. The only time he does well with Granddad is if he's outside--in the swing my dad put upwardly especially for him, or in the stroller or a backpack, or sometimes he'll exist fine sitting on my dad'southward lap if they are outside. My dad Actually wants his grandson to love him. He has a trend to come on too strong--too loud, or too excited, etc. He likewise thinks that if he holds my son long enough while he's crying that he'll eventually go used to him. But that'south very hard on both me and my son, and I wonder if part of the reason that my son cries all the time now with him is because he's scared. I've tried to suggest my coming over in one case a week with my son so he can become used to his grandpa while being with me, but my dad takes poorly to the idea that things might not be going well. I tried to tactfully advise letting my son get a little more used to my dad, only my dad said, "He's used to me!" end of conversation.
He is as well fine with other moms I see relatively frequently, or even some of the ladies at church that he doesn't meet very much. My hubby is the only male person who interacts with him much (and he Loves his daddy!!). Could it take something to do with that? Information technology seems to be more than a general stranger anxiety because it is specific to my dad and such a strong, quick reaction.
Any suggestions? I really want them to get forth well, and I know my Dad dotes on my son (or would if he could).
Advertizing What can I practice next?
So What Happened?
Thank you all for your responses! It's so overnice to know that this is completely normal, and my son volition eventually warm upward to Grandpa. We went over to Gramps and Grandma's on the 4th of July, and it went better. I was more relaxed, which I'm sure helped, and I also kept my son with me more. He and Grandpa did nifty together walking around the yard. I came over and held him when he started to cry, and he did very well until he got tired and information technology was fourth dimension to head home. Hopefully we tin make it through this phase with less anxiety all effectually. My dad is such a smashing male parent, and I know he volition be a great granddad.
Featured Answers
C.S.
answers from Minneapolis on
My girl had a couple of men in the family that she acted afraid of as well. We finally determined that it was either the facial pilus or the glasses. She was used to being around by and large women also and I remember was just more comfortable with that. She did somewhen out grow it, but aye was difficult in the meantime.
More Answers
J.G.
answers from Milwaukee on
I went through the exact same thing with my daughter. She loved Grandma but would weep and never go past grandpa. We were thinking maybe she was afraid of his facial hair considering my husband doesn't have any and she wasn't used to seeing information technology. Later on turning a year, she but got over it on her own. Then hang in there.
T.B.
answers from Eau Claire on
When my daughter was piddling, she was afraid of people with gray hair and men with facial hair. Does he have either of those? If so, I would expose her to more than of whatever it is. However, I wouldn't force your son to sit down with Grandpa or whatnot, that could really backfire and have him more upset in the long run.
T.H.
answers from Milwaukee on
My viii month quondam has a similar reaction to my dad. He sees him near once a calendar week and the aforementioned thing--comes on too strong. My footling one is just starting to develop stranger anxiety, merely it seems to be mainly with males, and my dad is the only one to push button the issue. He is the same mode as well, besides loud, too excited--he overstimulates him--for the same reason, he wants so badly for my son to dearest him. (and I think love him the well-nigh!) I just gently remind my dad that he'south at that age, and if he's just patient he'll warm up throughout the mean solar day. I also just tell my dad that my son is simply like my husband--he but loves the ladies (considering he smiles and flirts with EVERY woman he sees young and sometime) but he'due south a little more hesitant with all men (other than Daddy--what picayune pals they are!!) But remind your dad that information technology's a phase that all babies go through and to just exist patient and by the fourth dimension your son is a toddler they'll be piddling fishing buddies (or golfing or lawn-mowing or whatsoever! :))
B.H.
answers from Minneapolis on
Not sure if this fits your son or not only alot of babies small children are very frightened of men for some of the post-obit reasons.
Strong deep voice
Mustaches/Beard facial pilus
Glasses
They can just sense they're non calm/relaxed like woman
1000.K.
answers from Appleton on
My eight-mo-boy does the same matter to my dad! He's a big guy with lots of gray facial hair... possibly that's scary to my piffling guy. At any charge per unit, I find my guy does fine beingness held past grampa if he holds him facing away from him. If that still doesn't piece of work, then take comfort in knowing your dad doesn't take it personal (mine tends to). Invite your dad over for lunch or supper, onetime when he'south not coming over to sit for your little homo, when you'll be there to. If you lot're stressed, your guy will feel that tension and you'll inadvertently stress the baby more than. So bear on as you lot would ordinarily every bit if it isn't a large issue and perchance he'll grab on. Also, try hugging your dad so your 8-mo sees that affection and maybe he'll catch on that grampa isn't such a scary guy! All-time of luck.
S.K.
answers from Rapid Metropolis on
I bet your husband isn't too loud or overly excited around your son. My daughter went through a time when she was an infant until she was about a year to a yr and half that she hated all men and would cry if whatsoever would hold her without grandma or me in her eyesight. I think information technology was because they are a chip louder with their deep voices and deep laughs. One time she out grew that she became grandpa's girl and is very shut to both her grandfathers even now at 25. One thing you don't want to practise is to forcefulness him and non let your son control his condolement zone. If he is ok with grandpa outside, have grandad spend time with him exterior more then inside. Allow him see that grandpa loves him and all is ok. Don't be stressed when he cries for grandpa, he will option up on that and brand information technology worse. Instead, comfort him and have him when he holds his hands out. Once he knows that gramps isn't holding him hostage by holding him while he is screaming, he will brainstorm to trust grandfather property him more.
N.S.
answers from Minneapolis on
This is actually common. It happend to united states of america. I remember if newborns don't see and scent the same people on a daily ground, they naturally will cry if they don't recognize someone. I call back this is yet another way nature has built in a protection response for little ones.
Sometimes something equally simple as glasses, a beard, or even him being a guy equally others pointed out could likewise make the baby weep. It's null personal. The babe just doesn't know how to process the new information yet.
I know its tough to reassure Grandfather to not have it personally and to take it in stride. Endeavor to reassure him, this is a natural response and the baby will outgrow this. Unfortunately, if Gramps starts internalizing these feelings, he'll besides start exuding tension around the baby which could further crusade the baby to cry. If babies sense someone is uncomfortable, they're going to go uncomfortable and cry.
To reassure Grandpa, invite them to the firm more often, and fifty-fifty if the baby cries, let him acquire how to soothe him by rocking him, and saying sweet words. Let grandpa give the baby a bottle sometimes if the baby is bottle fed, or play a simple game on a play mat with stuffed toys. Peek a boo is always a practiced one. They need to bond, and that'southward how to do information technology. Before Grandpa realizes it, he'll be reliving his earlier days equally a young dad. It'll all come dorsum to him.
T.M.
answers from Minneapolis on
Would y'all forcefulness a relationship on your child if this person was not related? We teach our children to be wary of strangers and yet, we forcefulness them to say "hi" to our friends, neighbors and strangers who compliment them (for whatsoever reason)- people whom your child may not know too as you lot do. At any rate, it is sort of a confusing bulletin to our kids.
Children have a nifty sixth sense and something in your dad does not entreatment to your son. I accept the same situation with my dad and his crude demeanor with my kids and I've stopped forcing it and my dad has gotten the hint. It hasn't helped my relationship with him every bit he blames me for the estrangement only then, I consider that he is immature if that is how he reacts to it.
Protect your son to the extent that you are around when he is around your dad. Your presence volition comfort him and maybe give him extra conviction. Also, he is still quite young and probably experiences separation anxiety (fifty-fifty if information technology is specific to one person).
Effort not to strength it on him - if your dad is someone he is keen to know, information technology volition happen as he grows. Promise that helps!
C.A.
answers from Minneapolis on
If your son is used to existence effectually women all the fourth dimension then another male will be very intimidating. Alot of babies are scared of men, maybe it's an instinctual thing that dates dorsum to the rock age...who knows.
But if your son is used to soft spoken gentle ladies, and so a load active personality will be likewise much for him.
My son likes some guys and is afraid of others. It's foreign and I oasis't figured out who he picks out every bit prophylactic and why. Merely I find that the harder they try to go him to non be scared of him the more than scared he gets. I just tell them that information technology will take him a while to warm up and sometimes he never does. He's still afraid of my blood brother and he's seen him many times. But my brother is big, burly and hairy. A scrap like a teddy bear.
I would try and bring him over merely peradventure not so your Dad knows it's to get your used to him. Just go over for visits and play outside with Grandpa if that'due south when he'due south almost comfortable.
Practiced luck!!
R.Southward.
answers from Sheboygan on
We went through this samething with Grandma (my mom) and our youngest girl and my brother-in-law with our oldest daughter. It is very mutual. It is just frustrating higher up all else. Hang in there, now our 1 year onetime LOVES Grandma (information technology took until nearly one) and our 5 year old LOVES Uncle Roger (that also took until ane- 1 and half).
Ane affair we did accept to practice for our youngest was to let go. Nosotros did demand to leave her with my mom for a little while and that did assistance.
D.Southward.
answers from Grand Rapids on
Yard., start of all y'all seem to be doing the right thing, sometimes kids have a preference of who they cling to, its ok, i think too, going to their house with yous is a great idea, and you said it in your letter, when they both come over we all stress over it, since this situation is stressful for y'all as well, he may be picking up on that, if y'all are not comfortable with a situation neither are they, hang in there, he loves granddad in a grandpa situation, similar you said sitting on the swing reading, etc, permit grandpa be that kind of grandpa, dont fret over it, and yah belongings a screaming child continually till he quits is not going to help, if my kids were uncomfortable in a state of affairs, i did non force information technology, i just gave them reassureance that they will exist ok, kids go through phases where all they want is mommy or daddy, and not others, or choice one over the other , its ok its just a phase, and i like your idea of going over in that location, and what is grandpa going to do if you lot go over there, lock the door? but petty visits might help, and you must ralize how grandfather is feeling too, he is frustrated, everyone wants to exist liked by a cute trivial child, you must evidence dear to grandpa too? and he will? dont know the situation , merely just practise your best, and keep your little i smiling, and peradventure make more grandpa reading fourth dimension on the swing, grandpa will you lot comne over for 10 minutes and read to him ? lilliputian moves, take intendance, pray about it, and help both of them to get over each other, D. s
J.Fifty.
answers from Minneapolis on
Just out of marvel... does your Dad have a beard? My daughter did exactly the same thing when she was about the same age - but she reacted that mode to any male with a beard. I'm simply thinking because you said if he'due south in the swing and your Dad is pushing him (he maybe couldn't run into him) and then he's OK. If not a beard, maybe there is something else nigh his advent that is frightening your son.
Anyway, I would call up this would simply be a phase and volition laissez passer - but it'south tough on everybody for sure!
Good luck!
R.C.
answers from Sioux City on
I call back you need to put your foot down. Say, "Look, Dad, this is MY babe and I don't want him scared. I need you lot to exist a grown-up and tone it down and be patient. If you lot can't do that, I'm sorry, simply you won't be able to get close to my son."
Recollect, this is your child and you lot are the MOM now. You are in charge, fifty-fifty if yous are effectually your parents. Information technology'south not easy, just get used to it ;).
L.T.
answers from Sioux Falls on
I know that that this is a few mean solar day late but I have to relate a story to all of you. My husband and I hadn't been to church for quite a few months considering we had moved from one part of Minneapolis to some other. While attending our Sunday service, I saw many of my old friends that I had grown up with and many friends who had moved into this area. One family that I knew, had grown quite a bit and during the service, the baby started raising a hugh and a cry and was taken out to the foyer by brothers and sisters to quite down. We were also out there because we didn't desire to disturb those sitting at the door by u.s.a. walking in. My husband felt sorry for these young people and this crying baby so he asked if he could aid. The kids knew who I was and I said that "He's ok" and they handed over the baby to him (at this time we didn't have children of our own even so). With in 10 minutes, the baby was quiet and asleep. At about this same fourth dimension, the mother of the child looked up considering there wasn't any more racket and say a stranger holding her child. She hadn't seen me nevertheless, until I walked closer to my husband. Afterwards, she told me that it was the first time that a total stranger had held her crying baby and was able to serenity her down in that brusk of fourth dimension. I told her that my hubby was like a big comfortable teddy bear and had that affect on kids. Babies take a manner of knowing when they're safe, when someone is non threatening. Give you son fourth dimension to get used to your dad. It's non what he wears or how he smells that's making him cry but the fact that yous begetter emitts such free energy that it might be as well overwhelming to your son. If your son excepts him while he's out side, that'south a really large step and before long that will also be true inside the firm. Merely requite him time and you'll find that grandad and grandson will be like ii peas in a pod.
S.K.
answers from Waterloo on
If y'all're tense, then your baby will also pick that up.
I would just permit your baby explore Grandad on his own terms. Don't button the issue. Take Gramps sit on the floor while he'due south playing and let your son make the 1st move.
J.J.
answers from Madison on
Like so many others who have written, my viii-calendar month-erstwhile boy does the aforementioned thing to both my dad and my hubby's dad! Both grandfather's were very sensitive to this at first and would give my son to me to make him stop crying. Equally he saturday in my lap in the presence of the grandpas, he he would stare them down. Eventually, he started smiling and laughing at them from the safety of mom's lap. They got a bigger boot out of the smiles than holding him anyway. Now when they visit, my son still takes a flake of fourth dimension to warm upward, but they know the routine and aren't sensative about it. The grandmas are fifty-fifty jeoulous of the interest my son takes in the grandpas!
I would take felt the aforementioned as you if my dad wanted to hold my son while he cryed. Information technology would be difficult on so many fronts: the babe'due south scared, I'd feel I needed to comfort him, and I'd feel so deplorable for my dad. Hopefully y'all tin can relay some of our stories to your dad and he'll feel that giving him time to warm upwards to him doesn't hateful his grandson thinks any less of him, its completely normal and time and patience volition make it improve.
Skillful luck!
J.
L.B.
answers from Hickory on
What a difficult state of affairs for you and your family unit. Two things come to my heed i)you lot father wears a scent that is offensive and your son's insticts are to get abroad from it 2) your father is "too strong--too loud, or likewise excited". A 200 pound loud granddad to a 21 pound infant is the aforementioned as a 800 pound growling behave to you or I.
If it is two)-- It sounds like a situation that conditioning will work but the conditioning needs to be on your father's function, not your son. Unfortunatly, it sounds like your father doesn't desire to piece of work with the situation. Perhaps he is embarrassed or aback, that inhibits everyone from moving forward.
S.S.
answers from Sioux City on
I actually wouldn't push Granddaddy on your infant. My sons were both a little scared of both my father and my begetter-in-law. I really recollect it's a little bit of stranger feet and merely the fact that they're men. It was very confusing to me because my boys meet my male parent-in-law on a weekly basis only, they always preferred Grandma to Grandpa. We didn't force our fathers or babies to get along. If one of our sons was upset, we let him leave Gramps for a bit and told the babe, "It'south alright... Grandpa is a nice man..." and we always apologized to "Granddad" even though the situation was no one's fault. Now, my boys are 20 months and 3 1/2 years one-time... They both Dearest their Grandpas and we didn't do anything special to forcefulness the relationship. Anyway, if yous and your dad take it easy, yous both may discover that your son wants to spend but as much time with Granddad in the future. Good luck! Relationships with grandparents are such a special blessing!! :)
J.
answers from Minneapolis on
My first born son was scared of his grandma (my mother in law). She is like your dad and tin be loud and over excited. It was difficult because when my son would cry I would be holding him and trying to calm him downward and she would exist in his face, which just made him cry harder.
Here's what we did and it worked WONDERFUL!
I videotaped all the aunts and uncles (well virtually of them)reading a story and put information technology on a DVD. We seriously watched that DVD nearly every day. And if I knew we were going to go upwardly n to visit them we fabricated sure we watched at least once if not more than for the few days prior to leaving. Information technology helped. He wasn't scared of grandma anymore. He was most the aforementioned age equally your son at the time.
He was able to get used to their voices and their faces. He loved his Storytime DVD. It didn't take long for him to be okay with grandma after we did this DVD.
Hope this helps. I can't imagine how hard that is for you, your dad, and your son.
A.H.
answers from Omaha on
My daughter was terrified of my dad and brother for nigh the first year. Even as 3 day old babe she would clam up and scowl when my brother held her. I learned not to forcefulness it. I could tell my dad and brother were a footling injure but there was nothing everyone could actually do. She'southward a little person only I realized I needed to respect that for some reason she was scared. We stopped trying to understand it. We just didn't push the issue. They would come up in and say hi and accident her kisses from afar and she was fine with that. But let them come near her and the poor matter would hyperventilate. She's three now and loves her poppy and Uncle Dub. Nosotros honestly don't know what the heck information technology was that triggered these scared fits and we probably never will. But I am certain it volition pass with your son. He's new to this world and still figuring things out. Things will fall into place eventually.
Hugs to you.
D.S.
answers from Minneapolis on
At this historic period babies do non similar surprises. Anything that does something they don't expect, they will react negatively to. Your dad'due south booming voice and large gestures are new to your son every time he sees them. It is unfortunate that your dad doesn't understand that about babies because it will take a lot longer for your son to be comfortable with him if he doesn't soften his arroyo. Just retrieve that his reaction now doesn't mean he will never like granddad. It is merely the age that he is at that makes him more skittish around people that are new. If your dad would sit down along side your son and play with him without trying to hold him, your son may answer improve.
E.B.
answers from Duluth on
This isn't a solution, but I know tons of kids who prefer one gender over some other--and sometimes it even has nothing to practice with master caregiver; a wonderful family from our church building has four kids (and a SAHM) and the youngest girl adores daddy and most men...and won't go near women. My nephew's mother is non the most involved mommy and daddy does more with him; he wouldn't get almost his aunts for virtually 2 years and now he adores me and my SIL. Information technology should go away with fourth dimension, but I concord with y'all--don't forcefulness it or the fearfulness volition be worse.
C.D.
answers from La Crosse on
Remind Grandpa not to take this personally because this is an 8 month-old baby who is merely similar all others his age and operates on the exact opposite of what we adults live by: nothing but raw, uninhibited emotion. Does Grandpa have facial hair (can look strange to a baby) or fume (which causes unappealing odor) or something else out-of-the-ordinary? Besides that type of stuff, I think the affair to remember here is that YOU are in charge and it is up to you whether or non you are going to force intimacy between your son and his Grandpa. In my opinion, forcing intimacy between a baby/kid and a relative is detrimental to the well-beingness of the child'southward social development. I think if the babe has an aversion to Grandpa, it volition pass...as long as y'all permit the baby take his mode because what baby wants=what baby needs [information technology is not 'what Grandad wants=what Grandpa needs']. Remind Grandpa that all babies have someone they "make strange" with and he just happens to be that someone for his Grandson lately and it will non last forever.
Fifty.Yard.
answers from Minneapolis on
Hi, K.! I had the same trouble with my twins when they were about your son's age. Whenever my dad would come over the boys would weep, didn't want to be held, etc. What nosotros started doing is when my dad would come over, he would just say howdy when he walked in the door, and then nosotros would only offset talking, essentially merely not making a big deal that he came over. After a few minutes (sometimes longer) they would come into the room nosotros were in, and after a few times of doing that they would simply crawl upwardly to him, sit on the flooring and stare at him, like they were trying to figure him out. Information technology took a piffling while, simply I can tell you that my boys now ask to go over to Papa'southward house about every mean solar day, and if they don't see him during the week, we have to at least phone call him, he'southward their favorite man in the whole world (besides their dad, of course!).
Eastward.F.
answers from Des Moines on
My son did/ does the same matter with all males. Nosotros would see a human at Wal-Mart and he would kickoff crying. At about x months it started to get better. Later on he turned 1 he started to cry around men again. His dad is non part of the picture so information technology is a picayune different. My dad as well has the loud booming voice but is super gentle. He talks quieter around my baby and that seemed to work. I besides let him warm up to him. After nearly 10 minutes of being at my parents house he simply walks up to him and starts playing. This past weekend he followed my dad around the entire fourth dimension we were at their firm! It volition get meliorate you just have to let your son warm up to him on his ain time! Good Luck!
R.G.
answers from Milwaukee on
My girl was the aforementioned way with my brother-in-law, I recollect it had to do with his voice beingness louder than ours and he was very 'in your face' with her. Information technology is so stressful and I tin totally sympathize! We found out that in fourth dimension, she just grew to exist comfortable with him, by about a year quondam she was fine. Though it'due south tough, I'd suggest but go along plugging on and letting him run across grandpa as much every bit possible and eventually they'll get along just fine!
M.Chiliad.
answers from Milwaukee on
My daugter did the same affair with the loud people in our life! She is finally getting over it so she doesn't cry but is still humble at 15 mos. The more they are around them, the easier it will get. My daughter acts this mode to my grandma, my husbands dad and a couple of others. The common theme is that they are up in her face and wanting to hold her the minute they see her. She but needs time to go used to them before they bombard her. Wouldn't anyone??
D.South.
answers from Omaha on
Old people can be scary to kids. They are so dissimilar in lots of ways to the people kids see everyday. I think information technology'south a mistake to push button the issue. Tell dad to take a arctic-pill and requite it time. Tell him to sit kind of off in the corner where your son can take his own space but that grandpa is accessible. Maybe granddaddy can be playing with a cool toy or eating a not bad treat and that might entice your son, but information technology needs to be on your sons terms or it will only reinforce the fears he has. It might accept time, merely it will work out much sooner if anybody merely lets the bond develop naturally. Adept luck.
B.M.
answers from Lincoln on
I know this isn't quite the same every bit a Grandfather, but our daughter is xv months quondam and sees our neighbour on a daily basis, just she is scared to death of him. If we are exterior and he comes over to chat, she is similar a stick of glue to our legs. She will fifty-fifty start crying and not look at him. We have determined that it is considering he has a large amount of body hair and likes to wearable sleeveless shirts and such, considering if he has his upper body covered completely, she doesn't have an issue with him (or at least every bit much of an issue). Personally, I call back it is just a stage that children (especially infants and young toddlers go through), it will get better with time.
J.B.
answers from Minneapolis on
When my youngest son was a baby, he would as well cry whenever my dad was around. My dad would call my son "he-hates-me" because information technology happened so much. The fact of the matter is that although my dad is a great grandfather and very loving, he comes across loud and that would set off my son. I finally told my dad it's not that he hates y'all, it'south merely that you are and so loud and that scares him. My dad would say, well that'south the way that I am, and I then said, well wait him to cry. If he really wanted my son warm upwards to him, he had to give him his space and quiet it down. Slowly this started and of course now that my son is iii i/2 he adores his Papa.
I would just sit down down with your dad again and say, I know that y'all honey your grandson, just he seems to exist really sensitive to different things and if would be swell if he would recognize that perhaps if he would give him a little space and actually call up about toning information technology down until your son feels more secure, it would actually help his grandson feel more comfortable. It happens a lot more than then I think people realize. I have a friend whose daughter will weep any fourth dimension her MIL is around.... and that can be hard, but how tin you reason with an 8 mo onetime.
Proficient luck!
J.
L.Thou.
answers from Iowa City on
It took my daughter a year to warm up to my Dad and she would see him almost everyday. And she is still not to sure of my FIL because he does non see her very much (she is 18 mos now). I think it just takes time and before y'all know it they will exist best buds. I wouldn't forcefulness your son to sit with him though. If you son enjoys Grandpa outside than permit them play outside.
Source: https://www.mamapedia.com/article/my-son-cries-whenever-grandpa-comes-over
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